Considering I was going to be reviewing Satellite Reign, this was a no-brainer. But it’s also a no-brainer because it was, in its way, quite interesting. For all that people have compared SR to Syndicate (Released in 1993, by Bullfrog, who also gave us Populous and introduced us to Peter Molyneux), the two are very different experiences.

On these dark streets, a civilian is about to undergo a mandatory promotion…

Both, for example, use four team members, who can, with the right equipment, do pretty much anything. They can be replaced. They can be upgraded. They’re facing off against other corporations. The world is grim and gritty. But here, the similarities end. Syndicate, you see, is strictly level based, as opposed to the sprawling open world of Satellite Reign. Skills don’t really exist, and your agents are easily replacable, not because they can be cloned, but because, to the corpsicles of Syndicate, grabbing a joe off the street, brainwashing them, and hooking them up to cybernetics is considered cheaper and more effective.

The goals, also, are similar, but in its way, Syndicate is broader in scope. Each mission is a step along the way to complete global domination, starting in Europe in the main game, then jacking up the difficulty with the additional “American Revolt” missions. And other things make the game easier as well. The Persuadatron, for example.

Nothing is safe from a truly determined team of Syndicate Agents.

The Persuadatron was a wonderful device, although its usefulness declined in later missions. Effectively, you put it on, bumped into a civilian, and they were then yours. Get enough civilians converted, you could convert a police officer. Get enough officers converted, you could even convert enemy agents. Of course, that led to its own flaws, with one possible mission path being “Hoover up everyone on the map before going to the objective”… But it was only one possible mission path. Others would open up to you.

Stealth, for example, was do-able. Difficult, but do-able. Going loud, equally, was an option, and as the game progressed, you could move from destroying people (including the agents of enemy Corps) and civilian vehicles, to destroying entire buildings. Target you want to kill in a building? Right, gauss rifle and flamethrower time! But equally, equipping badly for a mission is a bad idea. Bringing a shotgun to deal with a scientist’s personal bodyguard? Well, that’d be fine, except you’re meant to Persuade the scientists, Agent, not Eliminate them. Access Cards could not only open doors, but convince police that you’re meant to be there (Although not, alas, guards.) And, of course, your agents have performance enhancing/reducing drugs and cyberware, which have various effects (Want to carry two miniguns? Improve your arm mods to hold them, and eye mods to shoot in a tighter pattern)

A busy street, circa 20XX, circa 1993.

As an older game, the difficulty curve ramps up moderately quickly, and the final mission of the main game involves seven corps working with their kill teams against you in less than ideal conditions for your agents, but, even today, you can see little things that make this a classic. The AI isn’t terribly complicated, but it knew how to use its weapons, it gave the impression of a populated (Albeit not densely) city block, and for all that the mechanics, aesthetics, and music are relatively simple, they’re all geared toward the same experience. The experience of being dystopian enforcers of a terrible New World Order. Bullfrog would return to the theme with the expansion pack, American Revolt, in 1994, Syndicate Wars, in 1996, and, of course, Dungeon Keeper, in 1997.

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Source: Cashmoneys
Price: £6.99 (Episode 1), £23.99 (Season Pass)
Where To Get It: Steam

It’s a sad fact of life that we grow old, and we die. It’s unavoidable, really. But there’s something my father said once, and it’s stuck with me ever since he did: The Norse believed that so long as stories of a person survive, they aren’t truly dead. Their stories still affect us. And, in a sense, this appears to be the theme of the new King’s Quest, lauded as a prequel, but… Just as much a continuation of a long running series.

The facial design and animation is something to behold, very fitting to the story it wants to tell.

So, a little background, because King’s Quest, despite the lack of number after its name, is most definitely a continuation of a franchise thought long dead: Way back in the late 80s to the early 2000s, there was a company called Sierra. And one of its first products of note was King’s Quest. It wasn’t a pretty game, although it was considered so at the time. It was an arbitrary game, mocking you for deaths that weren’t always your fault (That bridge… That fucking bridge), and some of its puzzles were poorly communicated (Nikstlitselpmur in particular). But somehow, it caught people’s imaginations, and the Land of Daventry was known and beloved to many, with the exploits of the royal family (King Graham, Queen Valanice, and the Prince and Princess, Alexander and Rosella) being followed by many an adventure game fan. Of course, it wasn’t to last, and with the 6^th installment, and the death of Sierra, the title lapsed into obscurity.

Fast forward to the 28^th of July, this year, when Activision, having already resurrected Sierra as its Independent publishing brand, and asking The Odd Gentlemen (Creators of ) to make a new installment using the Unreal Engine, released the first episode of a planned 5… A new beginning.

Reactions, so far, appear to have been mixed. So let me put my own two cents in. I don’t mind the controls, they’re pretty simple, and I have yet to find any problems with controlling Graham (Past Graham, that is, as told by of the Magic Mirror of Daventry, and Grandpa Graham, the much aged ex-King.) What I was less enthused by was that, of all the design elements of the original series, The Odd Gentlemen decided to keep the arbitrary deaths (Albeit to a lesser extent), but not the comedic messages. Either that, or they’re not so good at comedic death messages. The second “puzzle” (For the beginning’s environment puzzles are not terribly complex) involves two wheels, one of which leads to certain death, one of which leads to progress. They even tell you as much. However, when going for the obviously wrong one (Although the death was not precisely what I expected), I got… The equivalent of the Prince of Persia’s “No, wait… I got that wrong, let me start again.” It was quick to get back to the scene in question, and indeed, the checkpoints throughout the first segment were fair, but… It felt like trying for a homage, and missing the mark.

References to the game this is effectively rebooting abound, but they don’t outstay their welcome.

Still, it grew on me. The first section, while somewhat arbitrary, wasn’t incredibly hard to master (in fact, I quit after I’d finished, to check how long it took me. Half an hour, including one and a half cutscenes afterward), and ended on an interesting choice. The voice acting definitely drew me in (Chris Lloyd playing Elderly Graham quite well, and other talent including Josh Keaton, Michael Gough, and Wallace Shawn… Who we shall mention again in a minute or two) and the game is undeniably pretty visually, with the music and sound hitting the right notes too. Buuuuut…

There’s not really a polite way of saying this… Yes, Odd Gentlemen, we loved Princess Bride too. I have yet to meet someone who doesn’t (Although I’ve met people who hadn’t watched it). Wallace Shawn was pretty memorable in it. But if I wanted to see Vizzini get outwitted in a prisoner’s dilemma puzzle that’s rigged, I’d watch Princess Bride. Or I’d watch something Wallace Shawn has done that isn’t just Vizzini, because the man’s done other damn good work. You’ve clearly got chops for writing some heartwarming fantasy coming of age stuff, I can tell that from the very first scene where Gwendolyn talks to her cousin. In fact, I quite like Gwendolyn. I didn’t at first, precisely because she was filling the same role as Fred Savage did in Princess Bride (And similarly wasn’t too fond of Elderly Graham until he started showing more character than “I am reliving my glory days” and… Filling the same role as Peter Falk did in… Do I need to say it?)

Whisper’s voice actor, along with the rest of the cast, manage to make the stereotypical and archetypal… Believable. “But most of all… Whisper… Love Whisper!” <3
…Me too, buddy.

So there’s an annoyance ranted out. But this episode of the game definitely doesn’t deserve a panning, because it definitely does have highs. Gwendolyn is a strong character. She’s intelligent, as bloodthirsty as I’d expect a small child to be. The characters shine, even the ones that seem somewhat stereotypical (Acorn is the Big Guy with a heart of gold, for example), the voice acting is top notch, and the puzzles often have multiple solutions (I’ve mostly gone for the friendship option in playthroughs so far). The game, as you can see, is quite pretty, and the writing has been interesting. Most of my complaints outside of the Vizzini “homage” are niggles, and I’ve not been stuck on a single puzzle element for more than about five minutes.

For the price, King’s Quest, Episode 1 will, like Graham’s puns, grow on you if you like adventure games, especially games like Life is Strange or The Wolf Among Us, which concentrate more on an engaging story than “Use cat hair with glue with [list].” If you’re not terribly fond of exploring an area, or don’t like arcade segments and quick time events in your adventure games, I’m sad to say you’ll find this a bother. Give it a go if you think you can get around it, otherwise avoid.

The Mad Welshman has befriended many a creature in his lifetime. Some of them he regretted. But most of them still come for tea and biscuits. Like Steve and Susan.

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Source: Cashmoneys
Price: £22.99 (£29.99 for Deluxe Edition)
Where To Get It: Steam

‘Satellite Reign is similar to Syndicate.’ I’ve been seeing this phrase a lot, unsurprising, because the game was billed as a spiritual successor to that second game, made by developers who worked on it, and it does, indeed, have similarities. But it’s not a terribly useful phrase. Let me try and do things a little better for you. For extra comparison, I’ve also written a Going Back on Syndicate.

The intro to the game is quite interesting, and quite fitting for a corporate overlord surveying the situation.

So, let’s go back to basics: Satellite Reign is a game where four corporate “Specialist Staff” (That’s a nice, corporate way of saying “Wetworks Operatives”, itself a nice way of saying “Professional Killers and Saboteurs”) are sent on various missions to ensure that your corporation is the one that gets to continue doing business. If you guessed this involves murder, assassination, property damage, and general mayhem, you would not only win an imaginary cookie, you’d also win a visit to [insert corp]’s wonderful Human Resources Department… Specifically the Attitude Adjustment centre, because you’ve quite clearly got the wrong idea about how the Glorious Corporation works.

It is, however, somewhat loadscreen heavy. Once the game actually begins, there’s less, but with my setup being less than optimal, three loading screens is a significant time investment once the game begins. And then the fun begins.

See all those dots in the minimap? People. Many of them more important than you realise at first.

Except… Once you leave the tutorial, the openness of the world works against you. The game, in a sense, resists being played. The camera refuses to move from a certain angle, despite tall buildings getting in the way, and you will be spending a fair amount of time paused in the mission control screen, poring over what you know of the map. It’s also pretty resource intensive, so it’s more important than usual to meet more than the minimum specs, or else you’re going to be waiting longer, and reacting more slowly to situations as they develop.

I have to admit, although I love me a good cyberpunk game (And, importantly, Satellite Reign remains cyberpunk until you get some serious kit. For all that you’re a rival corporation, and clones exist, you’re still only four folks), I’m not so fond of Satellite Reign. The game clearly colour codes and highlights the sorts of things you want to keep an eye on, the music is quite tense, and very fitting, but you’re in an information overload from the word go, and it’s difficult to filter that.

Do I go for ATMs? Do I rob a bank or three? Get researchers? Try and level up my agents by hacking, murdering, sabotaging and hijacking? I don’t knooooooooow!

Security is no joke, even at the beginning of the game. Most of the reason I prefer stealth.

I do like that there are multiple paths through a situation. For example, the first mission, you can sneak in the back door and avoid two thirds of the security, in and out if you’re quick enough. Or you can go in the back door, gun everyone down, and leave as you came in. Similarly, you can level your agents in interesting ways, and there’s leeway even within their roles. But personally, I’m feeling lost, torn between several directions, and while that sort of fits the mood of the game, it’s not really for me. It’s a game that seems to requires multiple losses to truly master, but, unlike a roguelike, which follows the same philosophy, losing isn’t a case of “straight back in”, but loading screens and the tutorial mission. Or reloading the save.

I also like that there’s a lot going on, in a sense. Civilians, police, drones, cars… They’re all constantly moving, making for a living tapestry, and the dystopian vision is quite clear every time you turn down a side road and see rubble, and the city’s dispossesed (Who you can take advantage of). Alas, I sadly don’t think this game is for me.

If you like open worlds with lots to do, skill options, are good at squad level micro play, and don’t mind a lot of info being thrown at you, then being left to your own devices, this is probably a good game for you. If you don’t feel that real time squad combat and stealthing is your thing, then you’re probably better off with something more focused.

The Mad Welshman sat on his corporate throne, head in his hands. The synthesised voices of his agents rang in his ears, and he thought very hard of the Bahamas HR Centre.

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Source: Cashmoneys
Price: 79p
Where To Get It: Steam

DISCLOSURE: This article is two reviews. The one I wrote before I’d even played the game, and the one I’d written after I’d played.

WARNING: The pixellated dad dongs have been censored for people who don’t like to see pixellated penis. Can’t help on the talking about their existence, though.

Before

Oh, Vidoegames, I miss them so. Still, videogames *are* the better format.

The experience of showering with one’s father, when a small child, is a memory that few children truly forget. The same goes for showering with your mother, regardless of gender. It isn’t always a bonding moment, but it can be, and, at that time, things are simpler. As you get older, it is no longer considered proper to shower with your parents (Generally), and so the experience is lost, gone forever. Until no- Ahahaa, I can’t actually finish that sentence.

But showering with your dad is a thing that may well have happened in your life. Or your mum. And losing your parents in a public area is definitely a traumatic experience, as is reaching for someone you thought was your parent, but wasn’t. It’s also a time where you (might) honestly laugh at what we know as “Dad Jokes”

SWYDS2015, as it’s going to be called now, doesn’t really evoke much of that. Except the Dad Jokes. That, it has in spades. Basically, it’s a rapid fire arcade game, with different games unlocked as you go, where you run around trying to shower with the right dad (Or grab the right dad, as another example), and each gets harder somehow as the game progresses. Get the right dad, get points and some flashing text. Get the wrong one, don’t get points, some different flashing text, and lose health (Obviously, you lose by doing the wrong thing enough times.) I could speculate on the hidden meanings of SWYDS2015. I could talk some more about the experience with, or cultural connotations of bathing with parents (Which I doubt my own would appreciate). I could bemoan how it’s only dads, or about how the pixellated penis is so prominent, or how parents and children having different skin tone isn’t represented. I could even speculate about whether reports of the POC parent sometimes disappearing is a bug or a sinister social commentary (A bug I’ve not encountered, but has apparently been reported, and most likely fixed.)

It’s dangerous to shower alone, take this!

I could. But I won’t, because of three things. 1) It is 79p. 2) It will take you a lot less than 2 hours to work out whether you like it or not, being simple to play. 3) Steam Refunds exist now. Would I recommend it to anyone? Fans of dad jokes and simple arcade games that you can while away a short break with, who aren’t offended by pixel-junk is my best guess. Is there anyone I can’t recommend it to? People who don’t like to think about showering with their father, or seeing pixellated tallywhackers, or simple arcade games.

That last paragraph, by the way, is in earnest. No, the joke is…

After

In The Bath was a good song by The Divine Comedy. This fact has little to do with what’s going on in this screenshot. Not much does.

The experience of showering with one’s father, when a small child, is a memory that few children truly forget. The same goes for showering with your mother, regardless of gender. It isn’t always a bonding moment, but it can be, and, at that time, things are simpler. As you get older, it is no longer considered proper to shower with your parents (Generally), and so the experience is lost, gone forever. Until no- Ahahaa, I can’t actually finish that sentence.

But showering with your dad is a thing that may well have happened in your life. Or your mum. And losing your parents in a public area is definitely a traumatic experience, as is reaching for someone you thought was your parent, but wasn’t. It’s also a time where you (might) honestly laugh at what we know as “Dad Jokes”

SWYDS2015, as it’s going to be called now, doesn’t really evoke much of that. Except the Dad Jokes. That, it has in spades. Basically, it’s a rapid fire arcade game, with different games unlocked as you go, where you run around trying to shower with the right dad (Or grab the right dad, as another example), and each gets harder somehow as the game progresses. Get the right dad, get points and some flashing text. Get the wrong one, don’t get points, some different flashing text, and lose health (Obviously, you lose by doing the wrong thing enough times.) I could speculate on the hidden meanings of SWYDS2015. I could talk some more about the experience with, or cultural connotations of bathing with parents (Which I doubt my own would appreciate). I could bemoan how it’s only dads, or about how the pixellated penis is so prominent, or how parents and children having different skin tone isn’t represented. I could even speculate about whether reports of the POC parent sometimes disappearing is a bug or a sinister social commentary (A bug I’ve not encountered, but has apparently been reported, and has most likely been fixed.)

I warned you about the Dad Jokes. This is only one of many.

I could. But I won’t, because of three things. 1) It is 79p. 2) It will take you a lot less than 2 hours to work out whether you like it or not, being simple to play. 3) Steam Refunds exist now. Would I recommend it to anyone? Fans of dad jokes and simple arcade games that you can while away a short break with, who aren’t offended by pixel-junk is my best guess. Is there anyone I can’t recommend it to? People who don’t like to think about showering with their father, or seeing pixellated tallywhackers, or simple arcade games.

That last paragraph, by the way, is in earnest. No, the joke is…

The Mad Welshman has Dad Joked many a time before. “I have some words for you -” “Hi, words, I’m dad!” … See?

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